


Happily Ever After?

by CloudMonkey



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, Humor, Kagura's grossness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 04:03:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16548506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudMonkey/pseuds/CloudMonkey
Summary: "Oi, China, marry me." Okita says over the barrier that is the door. "I'll even kill Hijikata-san for you."“Let me take a dump in peace and fuck off, sadist."





	Happily Ever After?

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t read Gintama for a long time so I apologize for any wrong info I might write if there are any. Kagura and Okita are in their twenties in this fic. Not that it’s that important but their ages will be mentioned next chapter so there’s that. Just so you don’t get confused.

It’s funny how Okita only realized now. He has continuously fought and teased the pig since his and Kagura’s first meeting. Every time he sees her, he wants her attention on him, making terrible faces at him, calling him offensive names, and shooting bullets at him with her umbrella.

He has questioned his reactions to her multiple times: the joy he feels when he beats her, the determination when he loses, and also the contentment when he is with her.

He knows better now though. These emotions.

What he feels, after much rumination, is the ultimate form…

Of rivalry.

* * *

After finally coming to terms with his feelings, Okita immediately thinks of a plan for them to stay that way- to be eternal rivals so to speak- and also for him to be her only rival. He is a possessive man after all. And after much deliberation, he has finally come to a decision.

He will demand her hand in marriage.

But don't people usually give something to the other person to signify their engagement? Okita can't remember well but what he does know is that it's supposed to be round and gold.

He puts his hand under his chin in contemplation.

“Oh!” He hits his fist on his palm when he finally recalls what it is. How could he be so stupid to forget? He’s Okita Sougo, the sadist king, for goodness’ sake! Such a simple thing should have been easy to remember.

Humming to himself, he starts going the way where Yoshiwara is.

It’s time to buy a beautiful golden collar for his soon to be eternal rival.

* * *

Kagura loves food. Food is life and food is Kagura. However, there are times when she forgets about this. Right at this moment, in particular.

She ate something big earlier and right now, something big is definitely what’s going on in her stomach down to her bowels.

Hee hee hoo.

Hee hee hoo.

Deep breaths.

She can do this. She can-

The scream that emerges from the Yorozuya is the scream of a person getting murdered. Perhaps before, the citizens of Edo would have been alarmed by the terrifying screech. Perhaps before, they would have called the Shinsengumi to let them investigate the Yorozuya. But in the end, they learned that nothing was noteworthy about the murderous scream.

It was just an Amanto shitting.

Today, in order to have an excuse to see the shitting Amanto, Okita pretends to be a reasonable officer for once and goes to the Yorozuya to investigate the rumors about cold-blooded murders.

(He also ignores the fact that it was already resolved years ago.)

Okita stands in front of the Yorozuya’s door, doing nothing but vigorously tapping his katana against his shoulder. With his other hand, he inspects the collar that he bought for her. The collar isn’t too fancy but it’s not too shabby either.

She’ll probably like it. Kagura’s not a picky person when it comes to accessories. Hell, she has worn the same hair ornaments her whole life.

He’s slightly concerned about what she’ll think of it though. The collar is coated in authentic gold.

What if she pawns it?

Knowing the dirt poor Yorozuya, they’ll sell anything that isn’t theirs just to have more money.

He taps his katana more quickly.

He’s not nervous. He’s not nervous at all.

Taking a deep breath, he sheathes his katana and raps his knuckles against the door three times. He waits for five seconds, not hearing anything but muffled sounds before deciding that only Kagura is home.

He kicks the door down.

The hinges break and the wood splinters. The door slams down to reveal a wide-eyed and devastated Gintoki who is just approaching.

Gintoki does the thing. You know, the scream that he does, the AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH that Sugita Tomokazu does excellently.

“AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

Gintoki falls down on his knees, his trembling hands reach for the broken pieces of his door. He puts the splinters and the pieces together, trying to stick them together as if that will fix the remaining bits of his door.

“Wh- wh- wh- wh- what is this?!”

What will he tell the granny now?? They still haven’t paid their rent since five months ago and now their door is destroyed!

“Hello, danna.” Okita casually jumps over the former door, ignoring the sobbing Gintoki, and searches for the bathroom. He smells a god-awful stench and follows that smell.

He pinches his nose to defend himself from the stench. Urgh, does he have to live with this? If so, then Okita will have to endure.

Such is the life of the ultimate rival.

Once he reaches the door to the bathroom, he knocks.

“Oi, China,” he calls.

He hears the flipping of a newspaper.

“What do you want, chihuahua?”

He kneels down on one knee even though she can’t see it.

“Marry me.”

A choking sound comes from behind the door and it doesn’t stop for a few minutes.

Then she bursts out laughing. He can feel her spit, even with the door blocking him from her.

Rude.

“Is this your idea of a joke?! Did Gin-chan put you up to this?”

“I’m pouring my heart out for you and you break my heart like this?” he says in a monotone. “Marry me, China. I’ll even kill Hijikata-san for you.”

“You always try to kill Toshi.”

“Then I’ll try to kill him even more.”

“The answer’s no.” She flips to another page. “I don’t even know why you’re asking.”

Okita rises from his kneeling position then after seeing cockroaches loitering around the floor near him. He takes out his bazooka from his pocket and threatens her, “If you don’t accept my proposal, I’m going to break down this door.”

“Let me dump in peace and fuck off, sadist.” Another flip of a page. She’s not afraid of him.

With his finger on the trigger, he says, “Say goodbye, China!”

_BOOM!_

Another door gets destroyed.

And there is Kagura, enraged, still shitting, and holding a newspaper upside down. A hole decorates the wall just above her head.

“YOU DAMN CHIHUAHUA!”

In the end, Okita didn’t get a yes from her. It looked like his threat didn’t work. In fact, she tried to kill him after washing her ass.

But perhaps he got it all wrong. Aren’t married couples supposed to have dated before marriage? Then he will have to ask Kagura out.

“Marry me.” Oh! That came out wrong.

Kagura sends him an annoyed look. “What the hell are you saying now?”

She sends him a couple of bullets too.

He dodges them and dashes toward her. He slashes his katana to her midriff but she bends backward to evade it. “Date me, I mean.”

“Why would I date you?” She swings her leg to where his head is supposed to be but he stoops low when he sees her incoming kick.

“Because we almost like each other.” It’s kind of true.

“I like sukonbu more than you but you don’t see me dating one.”

He gives her a look. He’s insulted to be compared to some unhealthy snack. “Yeah, that’s the problem with objects with no souls: you can’t date them.”

“Then I can’t date you too.”

This is Okita’s second defeat.

* * *

The guide says that you must make the girl’s heart flutter. Okita has already done that through fighting but it didn’t work. The guide also says something about pick up lines.

He does that too.

He uses the worst and cheesiest pick up lines.

“I am heartless… because you stole my heart?” He reads the book again. “Oh shit I messed up.”

Kagura picks her nose. “What’s that you got there?” She looks over his shoulder to read the book.

“It’s a book on pick up lines. It’s supposed to make you like me,” he explains.

She eyes him in disgust. “No book will ever make me like you.”

He shrugs. “It’s worth a try.”

He pushes her away from him to hide the contents from her. She’s not supposed to read it because he’s supposed to say them out loud to her. “I didn’t know that angels could fly so low,” he says.

Kagura smiles, loving being called an angel. Mama always called her an angel.

Then Okita bursts out laughing, unable to control himself. “ _Angel? **You?**_ ” He bends over with laughter, pointing at her.

She isn’t so amused.

He tries one more pick up line because that previous one got him a truck. A truck to the head.

“Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peelin- oh wait. We’re supposed to be Japanese. This pun shouldn’t work for us.” He throws the book away. “How about we talk about my banana instead?”

_Two_ trucks to the head.

By the end of the day, Okita is at the hospital.

This is Okita’s third defeat.

* * *

He has lost several times now that both the Shinsengumi and the Yorozuya are wondering why Okita even bothers. Kagura will never give in to his romantic advances.

If they’re even called romantic.

Honestly, no one knows what the fuck Okita is doing. Wasn’t he the reason Kagura was almost buried alive before? And now he’s proposing to her?

Hijikata sighs.

Okita sure is a weird person, he thinks as he gulps down mayonnaise straight from the container.

“Hijikata-san,” Okita calls from beside him. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“How can I get China to marry me?”

Hijikata chokes on his mayo. “Wha- You’re asking me that?”

Okita nods, his expression serious.

Could it be that he actually has feelings for Kagura?

“Why do you even want to marry her?” he asks, wanting to be sure.

Okita looks at him as if he’s stupid. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Hijikata’s eyes widen.

No way. It can’t be that he’s in love with her.

In addition to Okita being the instigator of Kagura’s funeral, he has done countless evils toward her including breaking her bones, giving her a cake full of Tabasco sauce more than once, literally throwing her to their enemies, never calling her by her name, always fighting with her, making jokes about her period (ovulation day, he called it), and-

-and perhaps that’s just how Okita just shows his love.

He _is_ a self-proclaimed sadist.

But then Hijikata remembers that Okita shoots rockets at him and poisons him on a daily basis.

Maybe… that _is_ how he shows his affection. Hijikata hasn’t died yet anyway so perhaps Okita doesn’t mean all those things. He’s just the ultimate tsundere.

Hijikata hopes so, anyway. Because if Okita does mean it, Hijikata’s death will most likely be caused by this guy.

Still, he will help him, just so that Okita will shift his attention from him for at least a few days.

“Okay, then,” Hijikata says. He thinks about Kagura and her likes and dislikes, and how it would help Okita.

Kagura likes sukonbu and dislikes Okita.

Hmm…

“Err…” Hijikata stumbles. “How about- how about starting to call her by her real name?”

Okita frowns. “I created China’s nickname though. I like it.”

He shakes his head. “That’s no good. Girls don’t like it when you make fun of their name.” He gestures for Okita to start. “Why don’t you practice now?”

Okita is silent for a few minutes, observing his surroundings while they patrol. And when Hijikata almost thinks that he won’t do it, Okita opens his mouth.

“Kaguya.”

Huh?

“ ** _You don’t even know her real name????_** ” Hijikata shouts, incredulous. What the fuck? They’ve known the Yorozuya for years now! Apparently not.

This bastard!

“It’s not Kaguya?”

“IT’S KAGURA!”

And that’s how Okita first learns of Kagura’s name.


End file.
